Political Aspirations

I am thinking seriously of going into politics. It really can’t be that hard. First I need to learn how to lie, cheat, steal, and spend my huge salaries while the rest of the civilized world goes hungry or starves. I also need to learn how to spend other people’s money with absolutely no concern of the hardships that it might put on any other human being. I also have to learn two words. NO COMMENT. Almost like when I got married for the first time. I only had to learn two words then, to make life work and those were YES DEAR. As long as I used those words I was always safe, and never got into trouble.

It seems to me that with all the need for political leadership that there should be several job openings for my expertise in this field. Let’s look at my qualifications. I have been a musician and an entertainer most all my life so I should be really good at singing the same old song and dance that most politicians have become so good at doing. Secondly, I have pretty much been in the spotlight all my life, so I have learned to smile in front of cameras regardless of how bad the situation might be. Thirdly I have become a master at what most politicians are good at. And that is if you can’t dazzle with brilliance, then baffle with Bull S*****. Growing up on the farm I am very familiar with the Bull S***. I shoveled it, hauled it, tossed it and spread it, which should have prepared me for the political ring. Which leads me to believe most politicians must have been farmers because they also no how to spread it.

There is no place in the politicians handbook that specifically states that entertainers can’t apply for the job. In my opinion the only qualification thus far that I am lacking is that of an actor. It must take great acting skills to become a great leader, since almost all of ours have been acting like they know what they are doing for years. In light of recent events such as everybody is broke, gas is outrageous, cost of doing business has gone through the roof, the state of unrest through out the whole world is at an all time tense situation, it has become very evident to me, that whomever is driving this rig, has fallen asleep at the wheel. I’m not saying that I could drive it any better, but I did pass Drivers Ed. While in school. I also simply believe that a little common sense might help to guide this wagon back on the right path.

One thing I have learned in my many years of travel, is that you don’t mash on the gas to a runaway train. And you never try to drive a freight drain down a dirt road. Now if I’m elected to office I promise to always have an open door policy. The door will always be open, but I will probably never be there. I also promise to never promise anything. I will always be available for any questions to give NO COMMENT. And I will do everything within my power to do absolutely nothing. I think I’ve got this politician stuff figured out.

At first I was only going to go for local or regional office, but after looking at all of my qualifications at being so good at doing nothing, I think I’ll go for the whole ball of wax. Now I just have to figure out how to get on a major TV show to announce my run for office or in my case my walk for office. I tried running once, but I didn’t get very far. They finally caught me. So now when I run for office and they ask me about my record, I can proudly say Yea I got one. I also have 45’s and LP’s, cassettes and CD’s. And if they ever ask if I am proud of my record, I can proudly say, Why should I be because all of the other politicians shouldn’t be proud of there’s either.

But then again maybe I just ought to stay with what I do. I am not sure I would be that good in the oval office. Seems like everything there just goes round and round and round.

It was a nice thought for a second, to become one of the most powerful people in my neighborhood because I was some big shot politician, but then again maybe I already am one of the most powerful people in my neck of the woods. I am the only one in our area that also has a couch and chair in the house as well as in the front yard. I think I’ll go now and spend my campaign war chest fund at McDonalds. I have just enough for a happy meal. Then why am I not happy.

Then again maybe I am Redneck Happy.

Terry Wooley

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